I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
