I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
