I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
