my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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