My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
