if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
