was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
