I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
