The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
