I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
