i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
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