I want to walk on stilts...naked
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
