Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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