Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
The Olympian is in my bed
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
