I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
