Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
