You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Randomize
