I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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