Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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