Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
