i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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