Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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