Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
