based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
