I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
Randomize
