Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
