im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
