This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
