you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
