Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
the room spins SO much faster in panama
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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