My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
