I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
