I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
