So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
