i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
