There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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