I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
Michael Bay diarrhea
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
