I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
