i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
