i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
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