I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize
