It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
