I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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