goodnight i made you a song goodbye
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
