I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
