What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
