dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
