i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I want to fling myself into the sun
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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