Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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