I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
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