it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
